STARVE ME PLEASE

so i never post on my own journal..i dont know why i just like the communities better. haha. so im going on this missions trip to the dominican republic!! in 25 days!! im soo excited. wow. i can't even put it to words right now. im sweating like a friggin cow right now. we live broke here so we never turn on the air conditioning. haha. seriously.newho. last night i binged on the stupid icecream my mom bought...yeah.im a fat ass. but i did some dance stretches and warm ups too soo yay! and i can do an arabesque probably not completely technical and correct but its a start =]. so one of my 2 bestest friends is turning 16 today! and we're throwing a surprise partayy!! wooo.and my huge crush ( who has been on and off with a girl for 2 and a half years...)  is going to be there. most likely with out his girl toy. soo i need to look cute...somehow. im mixed and usually straighten my hair, but i havent for an entire month and a half!! wooooo. im on strike, cuz i want my hair to get long for next year haha. newho. im gonna go and pick out an out fit!! woooo! im scared about the party because of that and because theres gonna be lots of food. so im hoping i can make it through all the temptations and not eat junk! =O peace out =].

for some reason i feel so freaking lonely...i should be looking to God for fullness..but i keep looking to boys for love...but finding it very hard. i just want someone to find interest in me...someone that can hold me, and look into my eyes, just someone to make me feel important...like im worth something...someone to call me and give me chills at every touch...someone who likes me, the Dee inside my head and heart. Someone who shares christianity with me and also wants to stay pure...just someone. That someone should be God..but im loosing faith because i can't see him in human form..but that shuldn't be the case...and i don't know how to change my feelings...i just want to know that love is real...and true, and that it's not just a made up magic that's seen in movies..because i don't know love...i can't believe in it....and because i don't believe in it..i cant' be loved. i hate this...

well...today could have been alot better..but it was okay...i guess. i mean i ususally try to stay under 500 cals...but i went around like 750cals today...not too good. Track has been kicking my butt. NO LIE. i've been in pain and sore for a week...no breaks none stop...wow. Newho. lifes been okay. boys idk.haha theres a few in my life...theres Caleb and Brett and Maldo. C B and M.
C- we had a "thing". screwed up our friendship alittle. now alot. we dont even talk anymore.im guessing he pretty much hates me...he pretends im not even there...it hurts...alot..he has no clue how bad.
B-we had/have a thing. its goin nice and slow. hes really sweet. got me a teddy for valentines day.we text and stuff but it's not like i think about him alot or am like attracted to him alot..i am alittle but not as much as i would like to be...it's kinda boring.
M- really cute...kinda short. funny and flirtatious...has a freakin girlfriend of one year...she's not even that cute and kinda chunky..but he texts me alot.thats all thats been goin on...nothin special. AND i got baptised like 2 sundays ago! WOOOO. yea

well. uhm today was okay =]. i happy. back on track in my faith and thats ALWAYS good.
uhmm today i had 5 grapes and 1/2 a string cheese stick. and a 60 cals fizz drink. uhmm.
boys. i really like thiss guy..his name is...well i'll just call him D cuz..yeah. newho..only thing
is im pretty much signing up for heartbreak =[. wana know why? because he has a girlfriend..
of 2 years..yeahh. sept she's super quiet and idk...either way ill never have a chance..
he soo sweet though...and his family is close to perfect<3 i love his little sister (14yo. only a year
older than me) i love her to death. wow. idk. but i feel like im psycing myself up for nothing =[..
darn...i always go for what can't have...grrr. i wana tell him but the would NOT be smart at all.
it's not like he's a far away dream tho.
1. he alwayz makes fun of me and stuff (flirting)
2. he smiles the whole time hes talkin to me
3. he always touches me or nudges me if he's near (like he's reaching for something that he could get to easily without rubing against my arm, but his arm always seems to manage to touch mine)
4.his girlfriend and him don't even seem to like ea. other..
5.he has to call her. she never calls him.
6.she hardly talks...ever..
wow idk. im gonna shut up now =[

feeling a bit worthless. tomorrow is school.
the place where standards are set the highest.
plan for tomorrow is salad for lunch. can of carrots
for dinner. sleep. i hate my life right now. i just wana
cry. C just wants to be friends now..again. im just
not good enough for him...for myself..or for anyone.
and im not good enough for food either...thats why i starve.

wow i feel like you guys are boycotting my posts =[
havent had update or comments in a long time...
oh well. newhoo. i ended up doing the most RISKY thing
ever. i took my moms car and drove to C's house!!
btw i don't have a license and it's 12 at night. i didn't leave there
till like 3 sooooo! yehh. and i def. got away with it!! whoooo.
yeahh we talked alot..and kissed alot. and he gave me a back
rub and talked about how skinny i was! and how "my cute lil ribs stuck out"
i was thinkin YES! hahaha. soo excited. but yeahh. school starts 2mrw..
all new classes...grrr i hate that. but it'll be alittle easier to diet tho.
wow. idk! comments? por favor?? please?

I didn't gain a pound from the cake. im very relieved still a solid 125lbs. Im supposed to go
hand out with C. at his house. sweatpants, popcorn, and moviess =]  haha
thats where its at. all of you are really makin me question my choices with this guy.
if my best friend would just get over all of this then i wouldn't be committin no crimes..
seriously though. they "talked" for like  2 weeks and a few days. through texting.
rarely ever in person. wen we all hung with the gang me and him were always the big talkers.
they just texted cute stuff to ea. other. like ur cute blahh blahh you know. he said he liked her
and then BAM. she was attached right then. ohhhh geeez. i really don't know.
he's my best friend too. sooo i really don't know. but i am tired of all this BS.
&& im bout to just do wht i want. hmm. i am alil excited to hang with him tho.

okay so. C just texted me (first) and said somethings that make me
feel alittle better about this whole sit. (btw the reason we gotta keep
all this kissin and likin a secret is cuz my BFFL used to like C and still
isn't over him...at all. he knows and i know that me and him can't be
right now. but yeahh.) so heres some stuff he texted mee.<33

C-"i duno, cuz it was fun and i think we'd be something, in time, wen ash gets over everything
         between me and you."
me-"good cuz i don't wanna be just ur weekly quick fix u kno. hahhaha tht
         sounded mean but it wasnt supposed to."
C-" you don't think im a player do you?"
me-"no but i do kno that ur a 16 year old boy who likes to have fun and keep his
        options very open hahah and i respect that haha.
C-"right, but a lot of my thoughts involve you dee, like it was amazing kissing but it felt special too."
me-"really, i thought it was only me tht thought that so i didnt say nothin"
C-"na it was was more than just a random hook up dee, i care about ya."

my mom made me eat...
she practically begged me to eat a meal.
I didnt know how to get out of it...so i ate.
now im pissed
and i feel nasty.
it was steamed veggies
and lobster meat...idk the cal count.
if it makes me gain ill be SOOO pissed!
seriously. ill shoot myself.
and advice on how to get outa that
bullshit sit. holler at me please. <33

so i've been doin pretty good. i like it. havent really been hungry latly..
only had a candy cane today (55cals) yeahh. not too bad i guess.
uhmm yeahh. i don't really have much else to say.

 

wow life stinks. i went to my friends...the fat one..the one who cares NOTHING about how fat she is. and i ate. and ate ...and ate. it was terrible. im done eating for the rest of the fucking week. seriously. IM DONE!!! skinni skinni skinni. yeah thats all. i feel thin still from lookin at her but yeah..means nothing. wow. i hate life. what can i do to stop feeling like i have to eat wen im with her? any advice??????? help please<3333

wow life stinks. i went to my friends...the fat one..the one who cares NOTHING about how fat she is. and i ate. and ate ...and ate. it was terrible. im done eating for the rest of the fucking week. seriously. IM DONE!!! skinni skinni skinni. yeah thats all. i feel thin still from lookin at her but yeah..means nothing. wow. i hate life. what can i do to stop feeling like i have to eat wen im with her? any advice??????? help please<3333

well. today i feel fat--er than usuall. i had the usually cottage cheese and carrots at lunch today..andd then i added a bag of baked potato chips...140cals..yeahhh thats prolly why i feel fat. oh well. im under 300cals so i guess its okay...kinda. hmm im probably gonna work out tonight. havent done anything for like a week, soooo yeah. wow im soo tired of everything. honestly i don't believe there is any reason to eat other than survival. im really tired of people messing with me. like it used to be fun and i used to go along with it cuz they(the boys) were funny and stuff. but now i feel kinda just disrespected, seriously. but oh well...what can ya do..? and wow i dont know. im gonna rant about boys for a while. if you don't wanna hear about them stop reading now =].

I MISS HIM SOO MUCH!!! okay im just gonna call him C. anyways i havent seen, texted, im-ed, called, or talked to C at all! for like 2 weeks!! yeah and he hasn't made any effort to get a hold of me sooooo yeah..but most of me thinks that he avoids me alittle because he doesnt want to start liking me again cuz it will mess everything up again. but i wonder if he's still txting her and flirting still...cuz if so thats really not fair at all. seriously. nothing is. i talked to him for the 1st time in a while last night. and he acted all flirty and i was like hmmm. and yeah. i really don't know but i can't stop freaking THINKING ABOUT HIM. seriously i've tryed sooo hard. and its not like we've dated or kissed or anything special. in reality we were only good friends that talked about maybe having some feeling for ea. other. and you would think that you'd be able to just get over that cuz there was like zero attachment you know, it was nothin..but i just can't... man..i hate it.

all week i did pretty much fabulous. now is the real test..the weekend! it ALWAYS gets me and i binge on EVERYTHING!! NOT THIS TIME DAMN IT! seriously. im gonna put tea bags in my purse and if im at some ones house and theres food out hahah im just gonna make my damn tea =].  i think today will be the 1st hangout with my boy and best friend after our big conflict. i hope it doesnt go like it always does..

usually its like this:

boys (one of them she "claims" and likes) get there.

then we chill talk and have fun blah blah. gooood time.

then the boys leave. hugs all around.

then just me and her are at her house for the night.

then i sit and watch her cry feeling sorry for her like i did something wrong
and listen to her ask me if i like "her man" and her tell me that i over flirt with
him and that i need to tone myself down....

then the next day he confesses to me and texts me and says things like
"well i wanna focus on her, i do. and i don't wana 'play yall' but you just look soooo cute, and idk how to say it"
and. "yea and i really wanna like you, and i KNOW u'd be a great girl friend, but just her you know?"

then i get depressed because i finally find an AMAZING guy and i can't freakin have him...muther eff.

yeah thats how it goes. and if it does go that way then im just gona fucking leave..seriously. we hangout ALOT and we finally got over this bullshyt. soo if if happens again im jus gonna leave. seriously cuz im done trying to "tone down" myself to make her happy. seriously. man. && i think the fact that i "can't" have him because of her actually kinda makes me want him. which is bad. and she said the she would NEVER be okay with that. and thats kinda i m a t u r e to me. wow no sence at all. i hate highschool girls..wow. i DO NOT know.

i need a new start. i really do. i wanna be thin and beautiful. no acceptions at all. and it starts now.
im gonna start thinspo surfing ANY time that i can now. working out WAY more (hopefully). i just have to stay strong. and if i do eat anything unhealthy, im throwin the shit up. and thats final.
today
--2 fizzy lemon drinks_____120cals
--7 carrots_____________28cals
--3 bites cottage cheese__40 cals?
--turkey sausage________90 cals
-- greenbeans__________40 cals
total food______________318cals
neg cals?-- swim! lots of laps___-188 cals burned?
total---> 170 - 200 cals

tons of situps tonight fo show

i really just dooo not no anymore =[

im starting to question this whole starving thing..
like b4 i was really in to it. and because im sucha
failure, it ends up being starve all week binge on weekends
making me gain more weight then i lose...i swear if i go back to
normal, semi-healthy eating then i will be fatter than i was before all
this junk happind. i used to be able to eat anything i wanted and still stayy at
135lbs...and now it's way different. idk what i want with myself.
i want to be skinni. and i want it soo bad. but im just not sure of anything
right now...im so down right now i just binged speak of the devil.
and i yelled at my mom for buyin some many fattening food that i don't even
EVER eat unless im binging. soo yeah i think she finally got the hint..
tommorows another day right? it seems as if i have to say that everyday
just to keep myself going and to keep myself from anorexic suicidal thoughts...
my counsiler said to do things that make me feel good about myself...little does she
know that starving myself is one of those activities...hmmm. i just dont know...i dont
feel like trying at life or anything right now...and my faith is also bad. which doesnt
help any situation...grr. i just...i just..quit.

soooo i did good. 290 cals. then nite time comes. and guess wht.
i had to be a fat ass and eat eat eat eat eat eat. & RUIN EVERYTHING =]
immmmm pissed ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
14 crackers w. peanut butter and jelly on 'em---------250 cals appx.
a granola bar---------------------------------------------------140 cals
bag of popcorn-------------------------------------------------90 cals

yeah ik...total of my binge= 480cals....i suck. i wanna go purge but i think it's too late =[
 
totall end= 770cals...DAMN IT!

well today was NO WHERE near as good as some of the other days i've had. but i guess for jus "restarting" after a major weekend full of binging i did okay..my total was about 920 calories. yeahh ik terrible. you DO NOT have to tell me. kay =] but yeahhh. i really wanted to go purge up all the shit i ate at lunch but my "leach" would not get off my back. (leach reffers to this girl thts alwayz up my ass everywhere i freakin go) yeah. so i was just screwed. sooo im about to go run until i can't breath and my legs break in half. =] yahhh. tomorrow once again..is another day. maybe today was just a faze day you know. and tommorow will be way better??i hope..idk. untill then. hope u all are staying strong grls. contact me w/ updates =]]].

im pissed.
i hate myself.
im fat
and i've ruined everything i worked for the past week..
im pissed. ahhh DAMN. and i've gotten more shit from
people in this place than good support. and im pissed.
and i dn't know wht to do with myself...serioulsy.
right now i literally wanna go binge and eat everything i can as fast as i can
then spend hours over the FUCKING toilet throwing up anything and everything i can until
i see FUCKING blood. i hate my self soo much right now. if i wasn't such a weakass BITCH i
would be able to stay strong during anything.
but no...i think jus cuz my frinds are bigger than me and
eat all the time and dont care means that i can to... WRONG.
i hate life.
and i hate this stupid DUMBASS idiot FUCKING ed. gahh
eiajfwi;oeaw;9hu npaesw9ubtqcnyreiou FUCK